My Christmas spirit took a bit of a nosedive yesterday.

I blame it on the pile of Christmas cards sitting there staring at me all blank and unaddressed, the tower of unsorted recycling that’s higher than my 1st grader, and the battle of the boots/coats/hats/gloves that took place before our whine-filled trek across the street to get the bus. And then hours later my husband emails me that we should get this “Elf on the Shelf” thing. I’ve heard some buzz about the good behavior-inducing little man and the storybook that accompanies it. It sounds like a very whimsical and clever (and uh, lucrative) story that was dreamed up by an adorable mother-daughter team from Georgia. I know this because I had to Google “Elf on the Shelf”. Is it just me, or is the elf on their website a dead ringer for Clay Aiken?!?!

Anyhoo, here’s the thing…I appreciate that “Elf on the Shelf” is a very smart and sweet way of reminding children to behave themselves (and to not complain every single day that their winter coat is too puffy) but I don’t personally love the idea that the elf magically moves around the house each night. Apparently, each evening he reports back to the boss man at North Pole H.Q. on the behavior observed in his assigned household. Then, he comes back and appears somewhere else within the assigned household by the next morning. Now that’s a WHOLE LOTTA business to add to a parent’s holiday mental to-do list, right? To ensure that the elf gets back to his new spot by morning? I can’t even remember where I put the three rolls of scotch tape I just bought, let alone remember to let the elf in.

So, again, while the elf thing is charming, I also have concerns that the elf would report back some of my wrong-doings by mistake and my chances of getting a shiny new laptop under the tree will be blown to bits faster than you can say “Red Ryder BB Gun”. What if, by some crazy unusual circumstance I were to, say, raise my voice or accidentally throw away or vacuum up a few pieces of those blasted Polly Pocket accessories when a certain little blondie wasn’t looking (she doesn’t play with them anymore anyway so I’m not a total Scrooge), or leave the laundry unfolded for say 1 or 2…or O.K., 4 days?!

So here’s what I’m thinking – what if they rolled out some other elves that could be equally as diligent in their efforts to spread Christmas cheer? I happen to have a few suggestions:

Self Help Elf – He (or she) can read my mind, act as my duplicated self and can help me get everything done in the next 2+ weeks, like baking and decorating cookies, addressing and sending those dang holiday cards, videotaping my daughter’s preschool Christmas pageant and perhaps lending a hand in the kitchen by working the blender on Christmas Eve for the debut of my Mistletoe Margaritas. Can you say Top Shelf Elf?!

Wealth Elf – I need this green guy for the next couple of months. I would like his abilities to include waiving credit card finance charges, therefore offering shoppers the chance to have time to pay off Christmas shopping debt, without guilt or penalty, by St. Patrick’s Day. And then at which time he could go ahead and transform into Irish Elf. Not sure what his duties would be at that point, but he’s green, so that’s festive.

Stealth Elf – Now this little nugget I could have used yesterday from about 8:20am – 8:34am to very, very quickly tell me where I put my son’s library books, check my unplucked eyebrows before I went out among the general public, sort the recycling, and then fly downstairs and tell me why the heck my dryer smells like burnt popcorn.

Health Elf – Stave off any family colds/flu/virus/stomach bugs until at least after New Year’s.

Come to think of it, I might have to go for the elf combo pack.